Relationships - second marriages

One third of Australian marriages involve at least one person who has been married before. Many of these marriages include children from a previous relationship. Starting a new life together is exciting, but it can also present challenges to a couple in their relationship as partners, parents and step-parents. However, many couples in this situation are aware of the difficulties in establishing a successful relationship, given their previous experiences, and commit strongly to making it work.

Some people adjust to the end of a marriage more quickly and easily than others. Even if you were unhappy, it sometimes takes longer than you might expect to come to terms with the end of a marriage and then move on.

Before you decide to remarry, ask yourself:

• Can I put the thoughts and emotions of my first marriage behind me?
• Can I recognise some of the things that contributed to the breakdown of my previous relationship?
• Am I emotionally ready to commit to a new partnership (and potentially, a new family)?

Choose your second marriage partner carefully

Be realistic about the type of person you want to marry. It is important to reflect on what worked and what didn’t work in your first marriage, and to confirm what makes you compatible with your partner. If you have children, you also need to consider how your marriage will affect them. Talk to your children about your remarriage and about how they are feeling.

Living and financial arrangements for a second marriage

Often difficulties arise in stepfamilies when a partner moves into an existing home, particularly if there are children. Children who have had full access to the family home are unlikely to welcome newcomers, as they will mean having to share resources. Conflict is highly likely in these situations. In the same way, the partner who lived in the home first is likely to consider that it is their home – this may cause arguments which will have a negative impact on the relationship.

Given this, it may be in the best interests of the new stepfamily to buy ‘our’ house if possible. It is also important to discuss how money will be distributed. Should you open both joint and separate bank accounts, so that money can be allocated for children from the former relationship or for individual needs? Money is often a measure of power and it is important that both members of a couple feel that they have influence in a relationship. These are important issues to discuss before – not after – you move in together.

Learning to live in a stepfamily

When a stepfamily is created, it takes time and effort for everyone to feel comfortable and to adjust to a life together. Step-parents need to learn ways to relate to stepchildren, both in showing affection and providing discipline. Children need time to negotiate new roles and relationships.

Research shows that it is often best if the child’s biological parent takes care of discipline, otherwise there could be a risk that the child sees the step-parent in a negative light because he or she does not have the same bond with the child. It is also very important to make every effort to treat each child the same way.

Acknowledging that stepfamilies are different

Be prepared for the stepfamily to be different from your previous experience of family in various ways including:

• In contrast to other family types, stepfamilies are formed as a result of loss, either in the form of the separation of parents or the death of a parent. Children who may have hoped that their parents would reunite are faced with the reality that this will not happen. As a result, children may still be grieving or be distressed from the break-up of the first marriage and this can make it difficult to adjust.
• There are many more family relationships in stepfamilies. There are usually a parent, grandparents and extended family members from the first marriage to consider.
• Life has changed, so problems will arise. Stepfamilies often go through particular stages, which include fantasy (hopes of a Brady Bunch), confusion (fantasy not coming true), crazy time (division between members), stability (adjustment) and commitment (acceptance of the situation and being prepared to work through issues).
• There are more parents in a stepfamily and the parenting may be shared by someone outside the family.

Seeking help about your second marriage

If you are having doubts about remarrying or need some help working through some relationship issues, you may find it valuable to talk about your difficulties with a relationship counsellor. Counselling can also help you face the challenges of your second marriage. A good couple bond is at the basis of a successful stepfamily.

Where to get help

• Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia (PACFA) – National Register (family and relationship therapy) Tel. (03) 9486 3077
• Australian Association of Relationship Counsellors Tel. 1800 806 054
• Family Relationship Advice Line Tel. 1800 050 321 Monday to Friday, 8 am to 8 pm; Saturday, 10 am to 4 pm
• Relationships Australia Victoria Tel. 1300 364 277
• Stepfamilies Australia Tel (03) 9663 6733
• Kids Helpline Tel. 1800 55 1800
• Men’s Line Australia Tel. 1300 78 99 78

Things to remember

• Be sure that you are emotionally free to remarry.
• Allow time for new relationships to develop.
• Treat each other with respect.
• Be prepared for the stepfamily to be different from your previous experience of family.
• Consider the needs of children involved.

You might also be interested in:

• Relationship support services.
  
• Relationships - when partners become parents.
  
• Relationships and communication.
  
• Stepfamilies.
  

Want to know more?

Go to More information for support groups, related links and references.

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Fact sheet currently being reviewed.
Last reviewed: January 2015

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<a href="http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Relationships_second_marriages?open">Relationships - second marriages - Better Health Channel</a><br/>
Second marriages are increasingly common. Many second marriages also include children from a previous relationship, creating step-parents and stepchildren. Deciding to remarry and start a new life is exciting, but it can also present challenges to a couple in their relationship as partners, parents and step-parents.

Content on this website is provided for education and information purposes only. Information about a therapy, service, product or treatment does not imply endorsement and is not intended to replace advice from your qualified health professional. Content has been prepared for Victorian residence and wider Australian audiences, and was accurate at the time of publication. Readers should note that over time currency and completeness of the information may change. All users are urged to always seek advice from a qualified health care professional for diagnosis and answers to their medical questions.

For the latest updates and more information, visit www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au

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